I woke up today dreading snow, but was pleasantly surprised to find that we were spared another “epic storm”. I let myself lounge in bed this morning rather than popping up to exercise because I figured that everyone deserves a break now and then. I drove to work in a good mood – it’s Friday and that’s always a good thing! Something in the back of my mind, though, kept making me feel like there was something I was forgetting.
I remembered what it was as I microwaved my lunch: Today is the one year anniversary of finding out that I’d miscarried. Looking back at my post from that day, I can’t actually believe I sat down and wrote about it. I was definitely in shock. Writing is definitely a great way to deal with emotions that can be overwhelming, but at that point, I didn’t know yet how much I would be affected by everything. I didn’t know how long it would take to get back to feeling “normal”.
In fact, even when I thought that I was back to normal, I wasn’t. Just because my body was (sort of) back to normal, didn’t mean that I was mentally there. I was depressed and desperate to just get back “on track” and have a baby. Pretty much all the stuff that I was afraid of when I first found out came to be. It did take months before my body was back to normal and we could start trying again. We were unsuccessful all last Spring/Summer. Now we’re holding off on trying because of my new job and short term disability insurance waiting periods, but I’m afraid that when we are able to start trying we’re not going to be any luckier than we were last year. And I’m definitely worried that if we are successful, that we’ll go through another miscarriage.
I’m still able to be positive, though. I keep telling myself that it will happen and we will be successful and we will be parents some day. I really thought that I’d be pregnant again by last July and when that didn’t happen I was devastated. Then, I really thought that I’d be pregnant again by today. But I’m in a better mental state now than I was in July and I am trying to just focus on the good stuff. I’m concentrating on getting healthier, and reminding myself by not actively trying right now we’re making fiscally responsible plans and decisions… We can start trying again next month and be covered by insurance so that I can actually afford a maternity leave.
It’s definitely not, as people will unknowingly callously say, a “good thing” that things “worked out” the way that they did. But it has allowed us to make some changes and put some things in place that will put us in a better place when we do (finally) have a baby. So a year later, I can see now how some good has come out of it, and that’s what I’ve learned to focus on.