A Sadiversary

I woke up today dreading snow, but was pleasantly surprised to find that we were spared another “epic storm”.  I let myself lounge in bed this morning rather than popping up to exercise because I figured that everyone deserves a break now and then.  I drove to work in a good mood – it’s Friday and that’s always a good thing!  Something in the back of my mind, though, kept making me feel like there was something I was forgetting.

I remembered what it was as I microwaved my lunch:  Today is the one year anniversary of finding out that I’d miscarried.  Looking back at my post from that day, I can’t actually believe I sat down and wrote about it.  I was definitely in shock.  Writing is definitely a great way to deal with emotions that can be overwhelming, but at that point, I didn’t know yet how much I would be affected by everything.  I didn’t know how long it would take to get back to feeling “normal”.

In fact, even when I thought that I was back to normal, I wasn’t.  Just because my body was (sort of) back to normal, didn’t mean that I was mentally there.  I was depressed and desperate to just get back “on track” and have a baby.  Pretty much all the stuff that I was afraid of when I first found out came to be.  It did take months before my body was back to normal and we could start trying again. We were unsuccessful all last Spring/Summer.  Now we’re holding off on trying because of my new job and short term disability insurance waiting periods, but I’m afraid that when we are able to start trying we’re not going to be any luckier than we were last year.  And I’m definitely worried that if we are successful, that we’ll go through another miscarriage.

I’m still able to be positive, though.  I keep telling myself that it will happen and we will be successful and we will be parents some day.  I really thought that I’d be pregnant again by last July and when that didn’t happen I was devastated.  Then, I really thought that I’d be pregnant again by today.  But I’m in a better mental state now than I was in July and I am trying to just focus on the good stuff.  I’m concentrating on getting healthier,  and reminding myself by not actively trying right now we’re making fiscally responsible plans and decisions… We can start trying again next month and be covered by insurance so that I can actually afford a maternity leave.

It’s definitely not, as people will unknowingly callously say, a “good thing” that things “worked out” the way that they did.  But it has allowed us to make some changes and put some things in place that will put us in a better place when we do (finally) have a baby.  So a year later, I can see now how some good has come out of it, and that’s what I’ve learned to focus on.

Good Riddance 2010!

New Year’s is just around the corner and I couldn’t be happier to put 2010 behind me!  Sure, there were some good things that happened this year (Alex got on the Fire Dept and I got a new job), but mostly, for me, this year sucked.  I thought that a visual aid might assist in describing my crappy year:

A graph of my mood in 2010

2010 was a year of depressing events, health issues, and stress.  Thankfully, it looks like it’s ending on a good note with Alex’s job getting saved (yayayayayay!).  I’ve still got a big question mark over my head about the cyst on my thyroid, though.  I had a doctor’s appointment on Monday to get it checked out, but with the snowstorm that blew into town the night before they didn’t have enough staff on hand to perform a biopsy.  So, they were able to tell me that it LOOKS benign, but that’s not the same as an actual diagnosis.  I should be getting a call back to schedule that soon – hopefully!  For now, I’m going to keep knocking on wood and telling myself that we’re trending up in the good news department, so I should be finding out good news about my health soon (knock on wood!).

Even with all of the bad things that happened in 2010, there have been good things to come out of this year.  We had to endure a miscarriage, but having to go through the rest of the tumultuous events of this year with an infant would have been extremely difficult (that’s not much of a consolation, but it’s something).  We’ve had some ups and downs with Alex’s job, but we’re ending the year knowing that he’s secure in it for years to come.  I had a hellish couple of months at my previous job, but if it hadn’t gotten that bad, I wouldn’t have left and found a much more stable position with benefits that will enable us to start a family on better financial footing (and less overall stress!).  I’ve had some crazy health problems, but if they hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have found the cyst on my thyroid and, if the worst happens and it is cancer (omg knock on wood that it’s not!), then it would have probably gone much longer without being discovered and treated.

Goodbye 2010.  You sucked, but I can honestly say that I’m thankful for having had to deal with the suckiness as it’s made me even stronger and made me appreciate what I have much more.

Here’s looking forward to a much better 2011!